Lex had always been good at not talking about things. Lately, she was turning into a real pro, though. She switched topics without blinking whenever she needed the conversation to take a different direction.
Yesterday, for example, she knew Mary had lied about why she had been shy at the gym. But Lex hadn’t called her out on it. Instead, she had seamlessly switched to asking Mary about other things.
And just this afternoon, after seeing the picture of herself in a bikini, she had casually waved away Mary’s apologies. She hadn’t even replied and had focused on what they could have for dinner instead.
But it had been harder than usual. She had felt her own face flush, her pulse picking up, the butterflies in her stomach stirring. Lex knew she couldn’t keep running away from this forever. She also knew she was doing this to herself.
When she had felt Mary’s eyes roam over her body while standing on the 3D scanner’s platform, she had held her gaze and let the electricity spark between them. She had dared Mary to keep looking.
It had been stronger than herself and it had made her skin tingle. It had made her feel wanted. It had made something burn in the pit of her stomach. Lex had no doubt something would have happened if they had been alone.
She knew she couldn’t let it happen. Mary was off-limits for many reasons. And yet she was playing a game of hot and cold. She kept pulling Mary closer, only to take three steps back at the very last moment.
Staring into her own dark blue eyes, adjusting a rebellious strand of her hair, Lex suddenly saw everything clearly. She understood that she couldn’t go back to Mary and pretend nothing was going on.
She was standing in front of the mirror of some restaurant’s smelly restroom. It was the first place they had passed on their way to the hotel. It was a dump and Lex would never have agreed to eat here while thinking straight.
More proof that this had to stop. She and Mary needed to go back to a professional relationship. They had to stop playing this game before things got out of hand. It didn’t matter that Lex didn’t want to stop flirting. It was the right thing to do.
But she didn’t know how to end something that officially didn’t even exist. With any other person, Lex would just give them the cold shoulder from now on. It was the easiest way to create a professional distance.
She couldn’t do that to Mary, though. Mary had been so kind and patient with her. Lex owed her more than that. She owed her respect and honesty. But what was she supposed to do? Just casually mention during dinner that they should stop flirting?
Lex’s phone chirped. She frowned and padded her pockets. She found it in her right back pocket, pulled it out and saw that Mary had texted her.
“Are you okay?” the message said.
“Crap,” Lex mumbled. She had been in here too long while Mary was sitting alone at their table.
She rubbed her cheek and started typing. “Yes, sorry. BRB.” She hit send.
When she looked back up at her reflection in the mirror, she saw that she was blushing profusely. She couldn’t go back looking like this. What would Mary think?
Her phone beeped again. Lex fumbled with it to unlock it.
“I just found a hair in my food. Can we leave?” Mary asked.
Lex closed her eyes and shook her head. Before she gave it a second thought, she was typing.
“The bathroom is dirty and smelly too.”
She didn’t pause to consider how weird that message was until she had sent it. She glanced around the small space and wondered when it had been cleaned for the last time.
Another beep. “Why are you in there? You sick?”
“Oh God,” Lex muttered to herself. Embarrassed, she typed quickly. “No, I just needed a moment to think.”
After sending it, Lex started washing her hands for the second time. Just being in here made her feel dirty. It didn’t take long for Mary’s reply to arrive.
Lex lifted the device and read the latest message. “What about?”
Lex blew out a long breath. It might not be a bad idea to break the ice this way, she thought. She wouldn’t have to look at Mary’s face. And she couldn’t stay in here forever.
She tapped her screen and said, “About us …”
Her throat was tight as she hit send once more. A rush of panic came over her within seconds and a tiny voice in her mind reminded her Mary might not understand.
What if Lex had imagined all of this? What if Mary was not attracted to Lex at all? What if she wasn’t even attracted to women in general?
“Pretty arrogant, isn’t it?” the nagging voice continued. “Assuming Mary can’t resist you? That she’s dying to get her hands on you?”
For a second, Lex was tempted to throw her phone in the trash can. She had to run away from this situation. She had to find her way to safe ground again.
The notification sound of her phone made her breath catch. Her heart was drumming in her chest. Time to find out how big of a mess she had just gotten herself into by being honest.
She squinted at the screen.
“I’ve been thinking about us too. Please come out of the bathroom?” Mary had written.
***
They had quickly left the restaurant after Lex had finally emerged. Lex had thought it was best to just pay the bill to avoid an argument with the staff.
“Let’s go talk in the hotel lobby?” she had suggested and Mary had agreed.
The lobby seemed like the best place to have this conversation. It had sitting corners everywhere and the inner courtyard and was nice. At the same time, it wasn’t as intimate as a bar or a restaurant.
And yet, now that Mary and Lex had taken a seat next to one of the large potted plants, Lex regretted her choice of location. It didn’t feel right for some reason.
On her way over here, Lex had tried to decide what the best way was to start this conversation. The time it had taken them to walk back had flown by and she had come up empty.
Mary too seemed to be struggling to find the right words. They both sat staring at their hands, shuffling in their seats, clearing their throats.
“So, “Lex finally croaked, “I think…”
She stopped. She felt as if someone was squeezing her throat.
“You were thinking about us?” Mary asked. Her voice was as insecure as Lex’s.
Lex ran a hand through her hair. “Yeah, so I was in the bathroom and I looked into the mirror. And…” She fell silent again.
Mary was spinning the silver ring around and around her finger while she waited for Lex to continue.
“Gosh, I’m sorry,” Lex stammered. “I suck at this.”
“We could always go back to texting,” Mary suggested with a shy smile.
It was such an unexpected thing for her to say that it made Lex laugh. “As long as you don’t make me go back into that bathroom.”
Mary moved to the edge of her seat. “Why were you hiding in there, Lex?”
The answer hung between them, waiting for one of them to pluck it out of the air and put it into words. There would be no way back after that.
“Okay,” Lex sighed, rubbing her knees. “I feel like our interactions have become a bit more…” She coughed. Damn it, she couldn’t bring herself to say it.
“Flirtatious?” Mary said.
Lex’s eyes snapped to hers. “Yeah,” she said relieved.
Mary was so much braver than she was, Lex realized. She felt like it was up to her now to keep the conversation going.
“I feel like we’re not professionals here,” she continued, clumsily.
Mary flinched. “You want to talk about keeping things professional?”
Alarm bells started ringing in Lex’s head. She was screwing this up already. She blurted out, “Yes, but not just that. That’s why I was stuck in the bathroom, you see!”
“You were stuck?” Mary asked, pushing herself back in her seat, increasing the distance between them.
“No, not like that,” Lex said, shaking her head. She was frustrated with her own inability to articulate things the right way. How could she explain this to Mary?
“I was afraid to come out because I suddenly realized what I have been doing. I haven’t been fair to you.”
“What do you mean?” Mary asked, her brow furrowed.
Lex placed both hands on her knees. “I’ve been flirting with you. But then I push you away again because we really shouldn’t be doing this.”
Mary averted her gaze and focused on the plant that stood next to her. Some of the leaves were hanging just a few inches above her head.
When she turned her head to face Lex again, she asked, “Do I have any say in what we should or shouldn’t be doing?”
Lex closed her eyes and blew out a breath. “I am totally screwing this up, “she muttered. “Let me try that again.”
“Why were you teasing me?” Mary continued. Her tone was bitter. “For fun?”
Lex tilted her head in shock. “What? No, of course not.” She instinctively reached for Mary’s hand, but there was too much space between them.
Mary raised her eyebrows expectantly. She wanted an explanation. She was going to make Lex say it out loud. Fine, so be it, Lex decided.
“Because I like you,” she said, almost matter-of-factly. Much to her surprise, the sky didn’t fall and she even felt lighter. She repeated the words for good measure. “I like you.”
Mary’s lips parted. “You really like me?”
Lex straightened her back, high on adrenaline. “Yes, I like you. You know, ‘picturing you in a bikini’ like you.” She smiled.
“Oh God,” Mary said, burying her face in her hands.
Lex chuckled. “It’s okay. Given the chance, I’d have done the same thing.”
“Please shut up,” Mary mumbled from behind her fingers.
It broke the post-confession daze Lex had been in. Her insecurity came back in the blink of an eye. “I’m sorry.”
Mary lowered her arms. “No, I deserved that.”
Lex met her eyes. She was itching to get up and run away. But she wouldn’t. She couldn’t. She had to find a way through, no matter how difficult.
“What I was trying to say earlier …,” she croaked. “I shouldn’t have these feelings for you.”
Mary’s eyes widened at the word ‘feelings.’ Lex hadn’t realized she would use that word until she had. She quickly moved on.
“You’re a co-worker. Technically, you’re even my boss right now.”
“Fuck,” Mary whispered pensively, “That’s true. My behavior has been totally inappropriate.”
Lex raised her hand. “No, it takes two to tango. And I’m Hannah’s cousin. We’re both in hot water here.”
Mary nodded, looking a bit shaken.
Lex folded her hands to keep them still. “Maybe if we acknowledge what’s going on, we can just accept it. This stuff happens all the time, right? We can try to turn down the heat?”
Another poor choice of words, Lex realized. The expression on Mary’s face changed from worried to amused.
“Switch off the heat, huh?”Mary asked, quirking an eyebrow.
Lex narrowed her eyes. “Yes, agree to not act on our mutual attraction.”
Mary slid back to the edge of her seat. “Hey, I never did say I like *you* too,” she teased.
“You’re doing it again,” Lex said. Her pulse was already picking up.
Covering her mouth, Mary said, “Shit, I am! Sorry!”
Lex smiled. “Maybe you’re onto something here, though. We can laugh about it together.”
“Huh,” Mary said, “I guess.”
Lex felt like she was finally making some headway. They could do this. It could work. The attraction would subside after a while and everything would be okay.
“How about we take a break tonight? We can both order room service and have a fresh start tomorrow morning?”
Mary tilted her head. It took a while before she replied. Her hazel eyes had none of the spark in them anymore. “Sure, a fresh start in the morning,” she agreed.
Lex bit her lip. It hurt her to see disappointment flash across Mary’s face. Her own chest was tight with regret already. This was so much harder than she had expected it would be.
They made their way to their hotel rooms in silence. None of Lex’s earlier resolve was left. Everything about this felt wrong and yet her mind insisted this was the right course.
When Mary quietly wished her a good night and closed the door behind her, Lex had to place her hands in her side and focus on her breathing for a moment.
It was at that moment that she realized she wasn’t just attracted to Mary. She was falling in love with her.